Across the United States
Children who have experienced neglect, abuse, or extreme instability often develop survival behaviors as a way to protect themselves. These behaviors—such as lying, stealing, hoarding food, or aggression—are not signs of a “bad child.” Instead, they are learned coping mechanisms that once helped the child navigate a world where their basic needs weren’t met.
As foster parents and caregivers, it’s essential to recognize these behaviors for what they are: expressions of fear, past trauma, and unmet needs. With patience, love, and understanding, children can learn to feel safe and replace survival behaviors with healthier ways of coping.
Common Survival Behaviors in Foster Children
1. Lying
Many foster children lie because they have learned that honesty can lead to punishment or that lying helps them avoid trouble. Others lie because they feel unsafe telling the truth or because they want to control their environment.
âś… How to Respond:
• Avoid harsh punishment—this reinforces fear.
• Stay calm and focus on the underlying issue. Ask, “What made you feel like you had to lie?”
• Build trust by reassuring them that mistakes are okay and honesty is safe.
2. Stealing
Some foster children take things that don’t belong to them, even when they don’t seem to need them. This can be because of past deprivation, a fear of scarcity, or a lack of impulse control.
âś… How to Respond:
• Avoid shaming the child. Instead, talk about why stealing isn’t necessary.
• Help them practice asking for what they need instead of taking.
• Give them a sense of ownership—having their own items and space can reduce the need to steal.
3. Hoarding Food
Children who have experienced food insecurity often hoard food under their beds, in backpacks, or hidden in drawers. Even in a safe environment with plenty of food, the fear of hunger remains.
âś… How to Respond:
• Never punish a child for hoarding food. Instead, offer reassurance: “You will always have enough to eat here.”
• Provide access to snacks so they know food is available.
• Normalize the feeling by saying, “I understand why you do this. You don’t have to be afraid anymore.”
4. Aggression or Withdrawal
Children who have been in survival mode may lash out physically or emotionally. Others may completely shut down and seem disconnected. These behaviors stem from fight-or-flight responses to past trauma.
âś… How to Respond:
• Stay calm and don’t take their behavior personally.
• Offer choices to help them feel in control.
• Provide safe outlets for emotions, such as journaling, exercise, or talking with a trusted Helping Children Heal from Survival Behaviors
Survival behaviors won’t disappear overnight. Healing takes time, consistency, and trust. Here’s how foster parents can help:
❤️ Create a Safe and Predictable Environment – Foster children need routine and stability to feel safe. Knowing what to expect reduces anxiety and survival-driven behaviors.
💬 Communicate with Compassion – Instead of saying, “Why would you do that?” try “I understand why this happened. Let’s work on it together.”
🏡 Model Healthy Coping Skills – Show children how to handle stress, express emotions, and build trust in relationships.
🛠️ Give Them Tools to Cope – Teach deep breathing, mindfulness, and problem-solving skills so they can replace old survival habits with new, healthier ones.
Final Thoughts
Foster children are not defined by their past trauma or the survival behaviors they have learned. With love, patience, and support, they can begin to heal, trust, and develop a new sense of security.
As caregivers, our role is not to “fix” these behaviors overnight but to understand, guide, and reassure them that they are safe, loved, and valued—no matter what.
